Harry's girl problems
by Chloerules4eva
Summary: When Harry's feeling depressed about a girl, Voldemort turns up to kill him, but does the Dark Lord have some advice for the troubled youth? onexshot, hope you get a laugh out of it lol :P


Lol, don't worry guys I'm not dead! Any of you still reading 'Knocked up', a million appologies, I've been waylaid by all sorts of random things, and I really want the ending to be PERFECT! No way am I letting you guys settle for second best!

Anyway, enough of that. Hope you like this one shot :)

* * *

Harry sat in the Hogwarts grounds with a worried frown, sitting against a tree on the edge of the forbidden forest.

It was hopeless, he'd never win. All he ever seemed to do was make it worse, not better. Every time he did get it right, something had to ruin it. He should just face facts, Ginny would never love him.

He slumped against the tree miserably. He had never wished death on himself before, but he supposed there was a first for everything. It just seemed too hopeless, like watching a fire ravish his home and all his possessions. He just didn't know what to do anymore.

Suddenly there was sound behind him that made him jump and gasp.

"Lord Voldemort!" He yelled.

Sure enough, his evil nemesis, who had murdered his parents and tried to kill him too as a baby, was standing there; a crooked and evil smile plastered on his snake-like face.

He raised a hand with the precision of a serpent, a menacing look in his blood red eyes.

"You have no idea how long I've waited for this, _Potter_." He said callously, moving forward.

Harry fumbled in his pockets as he scrambled to his feet, but in the attempt tripped over a tree root jutting out at a strange angle and went spiralling to the floor, at the last moment turning himself so he faced Voldemort, landing awkwardly on his back.

His wand fell a few inches from his hand, and Voldemort wasted no time shooting the wand away and aiming his at Harry's brow.

"I've waited so long for Dumbledore to leave the castle, but my patience has finally paid off. And to think, you walked straight into my hands..." He laughed.

Harry stared, his heart beating fast, but as he began to recall the trail of his thoughts before, he realised his wish was coming true. His shoulders slumped instantly.

"Do it." He said emotionlessly. "It's better this way."

The crooked, menacing grin on Voldemort's face flinched for a second, then disappeared altogether, replaced with a scowl.

"You're just saying that so I'll take pity on you!" He hissed. "But it didn't work when you were a baby, and it won't work now!"

"I mean it." Harry said. "Just get it over and done with."

Voldemort hesitated, looking furious, and then a mixture of bafflement, anger, and then surprise and confusion raced across his face. He lowered his wand, watching the boy suspiciously.

"Ok, what's this about?"

Harry looked up. Voldemort? Really? Blimey, this was a whole new perspective... but... maybe Voldemort might know a thing or two?

"A girl." He said, sitting up miserably. "She doesn't like me."

Voldemort looked surprised.

"A what?! A girl???" He looked him over. "Suppose I shouldn't be surprised. Teenage boy, all hormones and adrenaline... urgh, nightmare. Anyway, girl problems?"

"Everything I do comes out wrong!" Harry complained, looking disgusted with himself. "Whenever I try to make up for it, it just gets worse! My voice changes around her, I'm not myself! Like I'm trying to be something I'm not, I try to make something come out the way I mean it, and I just sound... wrong."

Voldemort sighed.

"See, this is EXACTLY why I stopped allowing myself to feel these things, all it does is confuse you, put you through a whole load of unnecessary pain, and emotionally scar you for life! Oh I remember it all right, if you weren't good enough for her, you weren't good enough for anyone..."

Harry raised an eyebrow. Voldemort had had girl problems? Huh.

"So what did you do?"

"Killed her." Voldemort put simply. "You should try it. Sure, it hurts at first, but it fades eventually."

Harry just looked irritated.

"I can't kill her!"

"Why not?" He sounded genuinely surprised.

"Because... it's immoral!"

Voldemort crossed his arms.

"Well, what do you suggest you do?"

"End it." Harry said. "Come on, kill me already!"

Voldemort looked stern.

"You don't really want to die." He said. "But at the same time I don't want to kill you if you're going to get a kick out of it!"

Harry stood up.

"Then I'll end it myself!"

"Go on then, there's the lake. Go drown yourself." Voldemort invited. "Or you can stay and listen to my advice, your choice."

Harry pulled a face.

"For the last time, I'm NOT killing her!"

"You made yourself perfectly clear the first time!" Voldemort said. "I don't see why you two can't just be friends! Jeez, is everything about sex with you teenagers nowadays?"

Harry looked horrified. It was one thing to have sex explained to him by a hysterical Dudley when he was seven, but this? Evil nemeses should not be allowed to say certain things...

"You're kidding me, right?"

Voldemort looked surprised and... slightly amused?

"What's wrong with just being friends?"

"Nothing's wrong with just being friends! It's just the way you said..." Harry couldn't bring himself to say it, so he went on. "I'd be fine with being just friends, but Ron just thinks she's using it as a way to get out of the situation and not look like the bad guy! Friends talk to each other at least! I approach, she backs away, I ask her something, she pretends to ignore me..."

Voldemort looked bored.

"Wow, she sounds like a fucking bitch. Kill her."

"For the last time! NO!" Harry yelled. "I'm not killing her just because I'm having a midlife crisis!"

"Fine then, I'll do it for you! Then maybe I can kill you and get on with my life!" He snapped, and then blinked. "Midlife crisis? What are you, fifteen? Sixteen? Hardly midlife crisis…"

The two enemies glared at each other for a few minutes.

"I think you should go." Harry finally said.

"Get over yourself. You think your life's ruined because some silly girl rejects you? Grow a backbone Potter!"

"I don't need your advice!" Harry yelled. "Go... bully some muggle borns or whatever it is you do in your free time... and leave me alone!"

Voldemort crossed his arms.

"Less of the attitude Potter." He retorted. "So, what are you going to do then? What's your INGENIUS plan?"

Harry snorted.

"Kill her." He said sarcastically. Voldemort's eyes narrowed. "Oh I don't know. Probably go on as I did before you happened across me. Maybe go give some random person beats... and by random person I mean Ron."

Voldemort would have chuckled if he'd remembered how to do so without sounding sinister. A solemn look passed over his face.

"I think you should distance yourself from her, see other people. You're a decent kid, I'm sure SOMEONE will have you! And maybe some day she'll realise what she was missing."

If Harry wasn't so angry, he would have been embarrassed and mortified. Voldemort calling him decent? What had gone wrong with the world?!

"Interesting theory." Harry said, looking doubtful. "But I think it's well beyond my power now, like I'm stuck in the current, and all I can do is be dragged away..."

"Well start kicking." Voldemort advised, and began walking back into the forest, calling out as he went. "Next time I see you Potter you're going to die!"

"Yeah, yeah." Harry said, rolling his eyes as he started walking back to Hogwarts, going over the entire conversation in his head as he went.

Jesus, What a load of bullocks. "Kill her" indeed!

Should he tell Dumbledore about this?

He shuddered.

Hell no. He wasn't telling ANYONE about this...

* * *

What's the magic word? 'Review'? Seriously???! WOW, SPREAD THE MESSAGE PEEPS! :D


End file.
